THE DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
Since a dismissive avoidant’s parents were unsupportive at a young age, they find it difficult to rely on other people - often, they withdraw when others offer or expect help. Withdrawal typically occurs because the dismissive avoidant either consciously or subconsciously believes that everyone is responsible solely for themselves, and feels overwhelmed when people become too involved in their life. They have a deep-rooted belief that they are fine as they are, and do not need others to get by.
Although dismissive avoidants can sometimes be challenging to understand in a relationship, they tend to express a few core patterns that, when acknowledged and nurtured, can lead to a healthy relationship.
THEIR CORE PATTERNS
The Dismissive Avoidant Wants to Feel Supported
For the dismissive avoidant, feeling supported means feeling understood - their actions need to be accepted by their partner. For example, if they suddenly want to spend a few hours alone, their partner needs to let them do so without consequence. Dismissive avoidants need to feel as though their autonomy is respected, and that you will support them in the ways that their attachment style demands.
Consistency Is Essential
Both consistency and clarity are important for a dismissive avoidant. When communicating with them in a relationship, do not leave them to read between the lines. Remember: within their perceptual filter, they believe that everyone is accountable for their own personal needs. Therefore, dismissive avoidants are unlikely to understand, and moreover seek out, subtle hints in relationships. If needs are not clearly communicated to them, they will feel frustrated and confused, particularly when conflict arises from miscommunication.
When needs are clearly communicated between a dismissive avoidant and their partner, especially when they are consistently communicated over time, a stronger bond will form as a result of mutual respect and understanding. Moreover, consistency leads to predictability, which is something that their childhood lacked entirely. As you introduce predictability into their life, they will begin to feel safer with you and will allow themselves to be more vulnerable in the relationship.
Unconditional Acceptance
As a child, it is difficult to understand that a parent can sometimes be emotionally unavailable. Since dismissive avoidants grow up with their needs neglected, they come to believe on a subconscious level that there is something wrong with them, rather than grasping that their parents may be dealing with issues that are completely unrelated to them. Therefore, when dismissive avoidants are criticized, it tends to hurt them deeply since it affirms their core emotional belief that they are defective. Since this belief is highly subconscious, they will then shut down and avoid putting themselves in vulnerable positions in the future with their partner. Alternatively, by neutralizing criticism with validation or delivering it in a constructive manner, you are able to help them grow while being conscious of their unmet needs from childhood.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
When in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant, it is essential to help them understand themselves and why they feel the way they do, and to express your emotions to them clearly. By doing so, you will help them to meet your needs, and will teach them that it is also safe to rely on others - something that has historically been foreign to them. By focusing on communication, autonomy, and acceptance, a healthy and fulfilling relationship can be built with a dismissive avoidant.