WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT?
Dismissive Avoidant is an attachment style that results from emotional negligence in childhood. The dismissive avoidant learns at a young age that they are not going to get their emotional needs met through other people, and so they repress the idea of it all together. Therefore, when a dismissive avoidant enters a relationship with another person who requires them to be vulnerable, challenges arise since they trigger the dismissive avoidant’s core wounds. The dismissive avoidant can then shut their partner out, not because they don’t need an emotional connection, but because it is foreign to them.
Challenges can also arise in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant when their partner has a different attachment style, like an anxious avoidant attachment style.
WHAT IS AN ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE?
Someone who has an anxious attachment style had either one or two highly emotionally supportive parents during their childhood. However, their emotional support was inconsistent - for example, their parents were supportive, but were often unavailable because of work or other commitments. Another situation that would bring about an anxious attachment style would be when one parent is highly available and supportive, but the other is rarely present or willing to connect with their child.
DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT RELATIONSHIP
Keep in mind that there are a variety of scenarios where an anxious attachment style can be created. However, the core notion is that the child had emotional support available, but there was a form of incongruency that truly prevented the child from always getting their emotion needs met. Therefore, people who have an anxious avoidant attachment style typically have a subconscious fear of abandonment, and as a child, attributed parental absence to something that was “wrong” with themselves. This subconscious belief then leads people with anxious attachments to constantly strive to “people please” in order to keep others around and satisfy their unmet childhood needs.
THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND AND THE ATTACHMENT STYLES
The subconscious is primarily programed through two mechanisms: repetition and emotion. If someone undergoes one highly traumatic experience, they will typically have a high emotional charge that correlates to that one experience. However, it can be argued that less painful experiences that happen more frequently can actually have a higher impact on the subconscious.
In the case of the dismissive avoidant, their parents continuously neglected their needs as a child, which taught them that you can never rely on people. In the case of the anxious attachment, they continuously experienced inconsistent and unpredictable emotional support, which created a subconscious fear of abandonment. Ultimately, their needs and expectations conflict, which can create significant issues in a relationship between the two.
THE ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT AND DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT DYNAMIC
Overarchingly, the dismissive avoidant behaves completely independently, and the anxious attachment behaves completely dependently.
The operating perceptions in the relationship are on different ends of a spectrum, and this often leads to miscommunication and a lack of satisfaction. Since the dismissive avoidant tends to seek freedom in a relationship, and the anxious attachment needs intimacy and total commitment, the anxious attachment style can be triggered to become even more possessive and jealous. In extreme cases, the anxious attachment will even threaten to leave their dismissive avoidant partner not because they actually want to, but because they are searching on a subconscious level for the dismissive avoidant to ask them to stay and emotionally connect with them.
Interestingly, although the dismissive avoidant tends to feel overwhelmed when a partner is too demanding, it does not mean they do not need love and a strong emotional connection. The relationship must just be structured in a way that does not conflict with their attachment style - often, a relationship with a dismissive avoidant can be highly successful if they feel unconditionally supported, and their need for space is accepted.
HOW TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP WORK
Fix things individually first - without first fixing the core wounds underlying each attachment style, problems will arise in the relationship due to conflicting needs.
The Anxious Attachment Style Needs to Learn to Self-Soothe
This begins by taking the time to understand yourself at a deeper level. Understanding of oneself comes from inquiring about the emotions that you feel, and noticing what is emotionally triggering. Since the anxious attachment style feels insecure as their dismissive avoidant partner withdraws from them, it is essential for the anxious attachment to understand that their partner distances themselves because of their attachment style, and not because they don't love you anymore.
By recognizing that your feelings of anxiety result from your childhood fear of abandonment, the anxious attachment will be able to question the stories they're telling themselves, feel calmer about the situation, and self-soothe in a more productive manner.
The Dismissive Avoidant Needs to Learn How to Rely on Others
Although the dismissive avoidant may understand what they want in the moment, they often misunderstand their subconscious needs. Therefore, they must start examining their feelings on a deeper level - this will allow the dismissive avoidant to feel safer with their emotions and will enable them to be more vulnerable in relationships. For example: you may feel as though you want to withdraw when your partner is being demanding emotionally - why is that? If you feel that way, slowly but surely express those feelings in the relationship. You will come to realize it is beacuse you are unaccustomed to being so emotionally connected, but that opening up with your partner is actually empowering. By exploring your emotions individually and with your partner, the dismissive avoidant wicome to learn that people do pay attention and can be relied upon.
Challenge Stored Associations to Commitment and Practice Vulnerability
The dismissive avoidant tends to feel threatened and trapped by commitment, and has deeply stored these beliefs. Therefore, they need to challenge these perceptions - question whether or not a commitment actually brings more positive benefits than negative, and slowly come to a position where negative associations can be reprogrammed. Often, the negative associations with commitment are from the past, and are not accurate representations of the present.
Notice How Good It Feels to Give
Since the dismissive avoidant could not rely on people as a child, they often have a subconscious desire to reserve their resources. Therefore, the next time you are generous with your partner, just notice how good it feels to give. It brings emotional connection, and again, challenges historical associations that may not be accurate presently.
Be Conscious of Your Partner's Emotional Needs
In a situation where the dismissive avoidant is actively attempting to be vulnerable with their partner, ensure that space is held for that moment - since it is a deep wound for them, it is essential to be gentle with them and avoid hurting them by further neglecting that need.
Conversely, the dismissive avoidant must intentionally try to extend themselves emotionally for their anxious attachment partner to help build the relationship further.
If both partners work slowly individually on their core wounds, and actively care for their partner’s needs, the healthier and happier the relationship will be.