Article 3 - The DA

What is My Attachment Style? • What is Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style? • What Causes Dismissive Avoidant Style? • The Dismissive Avoidant Traits • Dismissive Avoidant in Relationships • What Triggers Dismissive Avoidant? • What Do Dismissive Avoidants Want? • How to Fix Dismissive Avoidant Attachment • What to Do Next • More Resources

What is My Attachment Style?

How your parents (or caregivers) raised you and your experiences with them shaped your perceptions of yourself and the world around you.

This is called an attachment style.

And everyone has one, regardless of culture, race, or gender.

Your attachment style is a rulebook that guides your subconscious behaviors, emotions, and beliefs in yourself and your relationships. It is one of the most powerful influences in your life.

The way your parents (or caregivers) supported your emotional (loving and caring), primary (food and shelter), and physical (support and affection) needs determined which attachment style you would develop in adulthood.

If your parents met those needs in a supportive, openly emotional, and transparent manner, you will most likely develop the “secure attachment style.”

However, if they didn't meet your needs growing up – unintentionally or not – you would develop an “insecure attachment style”.

There are four attachment styles: secure, anxious preoccupied (or anxious attached), fearful avoidant (disorganized), and dismissive avoidant.

What is Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style?

The dismissive avoidant is an insecure attachment style based on self-reliance, fears of commitment, emotional repression, and independence – all developed in childhood.

As a dismissive avoidant, these attachment issues affect your ability to create loving and connection relationships, making it difficult to regulate or express your emotions.

It is part of the avoidant style, and shares many similarities with the fearful avoidant attachment style, which is why “fearful avoidant vs. dismissive avoidant” is a common search term.

Yet, despite the notion that dismissive avoidants are scared of commitment and love, they desire an uncomplicated, happy, and equally balanced relationship.

If you're a dismissive avoidant, understanding this attachment style on a deeper level can help you overcome these fears to truly obtain your dreams and hopes.

What Causes Dismissive Avoidant Style?

Dismissive avoidants are formed through dismissive parenting, unmet needs, and enmeshment.

If your parents didn’t encourage outward expressions of emotions, telling you to “toughen up” after hurting yourself, or if your needs weren’t met as a child, you develop the habit of getting it yourself and believe that others can't properly care for you.

Enmeshment — a dysfunctional family dynamic where the boundaries and needs between people become blurred — results in you repressing your emotions to meet your parent's needs.

The outcome of all these scenarios is that you end up relying only on yourself, believing that showing or expressing emotions is weak, not liking to be vulnerable, and not committing to relationships or others.

Dismissive parenting
Told to "toughen up" instead of asking for emotions
Emotional neglect
Not receiving support, reassurance, and affectionate from parents
Family enmeshment

Unmet emotional and personal needs
Poor emotional responsiveness by parents or caregivers
Forced to fend for themselves
Inter-changing environments
Separations and abuse (either emotionally or physically)

The Dismissive Avoidant Traits

A childhood of dismissive parenting, unmet needs, and enmeshment results in a lack of emotional processing and believing that you can only rely on yourself.

This trickles down into other behaviors, including withdrawing or repressing your emotions, being independent and self-reliant, and most recognizable for dismissive avoidants, struggling to make commitments.

However, you might also notice that you’re a fun person to be around, social and outgoing, and focus on many hobbies and interests.

That’s because underneath all the fear about committing to someone and getting hurt, as a dismissive avoidant, you desire a loving connection.

Highly independent
Believe they can only rely on themselves
Repress or avoid discussing emotions
Can be easily hurt by criticism
Very analytical in approach

A strong desire to learn and absorb information
Embrace distractions (work, hobbies, etc.) to avoid reality
Avoid conflict with others
Can appear to be easily irritated or impatient
Often struggles to plan long-term commitments

Do You Want to Know Your Attachment Style?

Knowing your attachment style is the first step in changing your life and achieving your personal and relationship goals.

TAKE OUR FREE QUIZ

Dismissive Avoidant in Relationships

Being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant can cause uncertainty because when they get too close to someone, they put up walls and withdraw themselves.

As a dismissive avoidant, you might avoid strong displays of closeness (such as stonewalling, dismissing, or binging in creature comforts), sabotage the relationship by focusing on your partner’s habits, behaviors, or beliefs, or break up suddenly.

Your partner might not understand why you need space for yourself, that you both can meet your own needs, and that your independence shouldn’t change because you’re in a relationship.

However, you can be a great and kind partner when you make the relationship easy, lower your boundaries to share experiences, and support your partner.

You have to let your guard down first.

Can withdraw or stonewall partners
Avoid displays of intimacy
Self-sabotage habits and patterns
A desire for personal space
Set strong boundaries
Believe that each partner can meet their needs
Scared to be vulnerable and open
Offers kindess and respect
Happy to support the relationship
Believes in independence

What Triggers Dismissive Avoidant?

A dismissive avoidant's subconscious programming is triggered when becoming vulnerable or emotionally close to someone.

These triggers can occur when you become reliant on someone, forced to commit, give up your personal space, or feel trapped, unsafe, or helpless.

You don’t want to be stuck in a painful relationship forever, end up with the wrong person, feel shame or defective, or be seen as weak when vulnerable.

Underpinning all these fears is the belief that you can't rely on others, feel powerless when emotionally overwhelmed, and believe you cannot change your patterns, behaviors, and beliefs.

Overcoming these dismissive avoidant fears will empower you to start looking for and developing healthy and loving relationships.

Fear of relying on others

Pressured to commit to someone or something

Fear of being trapped or unsafe with someone

Emotionally volatile or out-of-control situations

Afraid of being powerless over vulnerable

Don't like to open up and be close to someone

Being in a rollercoaster relationship

Loss of independence and freedom to express themselves

What Do Dismissive Avoidants Want?

As your main fear is relying on someone, naturally, as a dismissive avoidant, you desire a healthy balance of independence and commitment.

You want a stable, safe, low-maintenance relationship where your partner respects and understands your need and value for autonomy and independence.

Having a partner who wants the same thing you do — independence and harmony — would significantly enhance the relationship.

If your loved ones recognize and try to meet these needs, it will bring comfort and enable you to develop a genuine emotional connection. Understanding and meeting these personal and relationship needs — whether by yourself or others — can help any relationship with a dismissive avoidant grow over time.

Want their freedom and boundaries respected
Greatly value their personal time and space
Desire a consistent and easy relationship
Feel supported and understood by a partner
Receive kindness and love from others

Acknowledgement from a partner
Have people stop trying to change them
A conflict-free relationship
A partner who wants independence and harmony
Don’t want to feel frustrated, annoyance, or overwhelmed emotionally

How to Fix Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Your dismissive avoidant attachment style is behind why you act the way you do and what prevents you from prospering in life and love.

When people learn all this, they ask, “Can I fix my dismissive avoidant attachment style?”

They reason that an attachment style is permanent and you can't change it.

But that's been debunked.

The answer is yes.

You absolutely can learn how to reprogram your dismissive avoidant style to become securely attached.

We’ve found a way to change your attachment style.

Here’s how:

1. Understand the fears behind your actions
I'll guide you on uncovering the core wounds and trauma that drive your fears to learn why you act the way you do and how to change them.

2. Explore being vulnerable and open communication
Expressing your emotions and responding thoughtfully and intentionally will make you feel more comfortable with others and foster life-long connections.

3. Process your emotions instead of repressing them
Repressing your feelings leads to internal trauma and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Learn how to understand and process your emotions in a healthy manner.

4. Adopt more self-care with yourself
Putting yourself first and learning to be present with your feelings can help change your self-perception. You can experience more peace and harmony daily.

5. Shift limiting beliefs into empowering thought patterns
Your beliefs prevent you from embracing a more positive and beautiful future. I’ll explain and showcase specific exercises to create powerful thoughts.

6. Become more secure in yourself
Our courses provide simple-to-learn tools, tips, and hacks to apply when you get triggered so you can feel and become more secure in yourself.

What To Do Next...

The first step to changing your dismissive avoidant style is to take our quiz.

Not only does it confirm if you’re a dismissive avoidant or have another attachment style, but it also allows us to provide a personalized report.

It explains what you need to excel in life and love and how our accessible, on-demand online courses help you become securely attached.

Our courses offer eye-opening concepts, theories, and simple-to-learn tools and strategies that deliver real-life changes.

I’ll explain everything in detail in each course and help you practice with a downloaded workbook, so you have everything you need to reach your hopes and dreams.

TAKE THE QUIZ